By Anne Paulus, LMSW

On the day before my mother died, I was filled with conflict. We knew the end was near, and I wanted to stay with her while she still was alert. But my then 7-year-old daughter was having a tonsillectomy. I remember how my mother told me to go and be with my daughter.

    The average caregiver provides 18 to 20 hours of care on top of holding a job and managing his or her own family. This can cause such an upheaval of emotions—good and bad—and these emotions intensify as the loved one needs more care. I was fortunate to have my mother’s “permission” to be with my daughter that day. Many caregivers, though, take care of loved ones who are no longer able to say “thank you,” and without that support and understanding, caregivers can experience burnout.

 

Statistically, you have a one-in-three chance of being a caregiver in your lifetime, and these points can help you experience more joy than frustration on the journey.

    Share your feelings: You may think you don’t have time for a support group but you need it more than ever. Support groups also help you navigate resources out there. You also can share your feelings through chat rooms for caregivers, journaling and other outlets such as family connections.

    More information: Learn as much as you can about your loved one’s illness, both from the physician and from online resources. Take a list of questions with you to the physician, and take notes about the instructions so you don’t have to wonder later if you are remembering everything. You can find information about caregiving at caregiver.org and stoppain.org.

    Get help: Having an in-home assistant help with some of the “heavier lifting tasks,” such as bathing, will give you a break. Another good source of respite is adult day care. In a family, not everyone can share the day-to-day caregiving but they can share the responsibility by providing financially or breaks.

    Counseling: Both the caregiver and the person who needs care are going through the grieving process. It’s common to feel anger followed by guilt. Know the warning signs of depression and know your limit. Recognize if you overreact or snap at minor things you may be experiencing burnout.

    Take care of yourself: Exercise daily, maintain a healthy diet, find time for hobbies you enjoy, connect with friends and find quiet time each day.  Know your limits.

    Celebrate your loved one: Aging and illness can change personalities. Go through old photo albums with your loved one and other family members. Remember what they enjoyed and still can do, such as listening to music.

    As I sat with my daughter that day, I wrote a poem about caregivers’ shoes. When you first try on the shoes, they are uncomfortable. You want to shove them to the back of your closet and pull out your dancing shoes or your hiking boots instead. But they grow comfortable, and the wear represents the hardship and joy of the journey. In the end, you take them off reluctantly, without regrets, knowing the shoes are shoes of honor and blessing.

Anne Paulus, LMSW, is the director of John C. Lincoln Adult Day Health Care, part of the John C. Lincoln Health Network. She can be reached at 602-870-6060, ext. 4511. Learn more about Adult Day Health Care and support groups at JCL.com/adultday. The information in “To Your Health” is provided by the John C. Lincoln Healthcare Network as general information only. For medical advice, consult your physician.